Tuesday, 13 February 2007

  • TO SETTLE, OR SETTLE DOWN?

    Dear Life Guru,

    I've been reading your articles for a few weeks now, and I can honestly say it's one of my favorite sites to visit whenever I'm online. Now it's time for me to share my own life situation. Hopefully you can shed some light on my problem as well.

    In about 2 weeks I will be celebrating my 26th birthday. On the same day I am also opening a little clothing store--my own business. So my family decided to throw me a birthday bash to celebrate both occasions.

    A few nights ago, I was sitting in the living room watching tv when the phone rang. As I was busy watching, I did not answer it right away. When I picked up the phone I heard my sister on the other line, talking to my boyfriend, Marty. What they were talking about surprised me. He was planning to propose marriage to me during my birthday party!

    I abruptly hung up the phone, and my sister never mentioned anything about it since they are (obviously) keeping it a surprise. The thought made me very nervous though. I am not ready for marriage. I have a lot of things in mind that I want to accomplish in my life before settling down. I love Marty so much, but I think marriage is not my priority right now. The thing is, I don't know what I would do when he proposes to me then, in front of my family and friends. If I flat-out say "No", wouldn't that just ruin the moment for everyone? On the other hand, I don't wanna be forced into a situation I'm unprepared for.

    I'm really torn between just telling my boyfriend that I overheard his plans and I'm not ready for it. Still, I'm scared that it would make him reconsider our relationship and just chicken out.

    Is there something else I should do?

    Megan

     

    Hi, Megan,

    First of all, congratulations on turning 26, and good luck with your new business. The next few years would surely be challenging, and busy, and yet fulfilling and exciting for you. You're turning a new chapter in your life, one that requires your total commitment in order to be successful. That said, I totally understand your hesitation to get married. You have a lot of other things in your mind at the moment, and you just can't afford to enter into another responsibility.

    You know, I'm really not a big fan of public marriage proposals. A big part of me thinks that asking for someone's hand in marriage in front of other people is just plain cruel, most of the time. What if the woman was hesitant, or totally unprepared, or just needed a little more time to think about it? More often than not, they would just say "yes" because, heck, she's probably thinking, "Oh gosh, there's all these people here, saying no would just be so anticlimactic! And we would look so embarassing!" I'm not saying that's always the case. But I'm sure it's not that far-fetched.

    If someone wanted to propose marriage, why not just do it privately, so the girl can really think about it, and give a real honest answer? I guess we've all been influenced by those romantic movies where the leading man gets on his knees in front of the crowd and asks for the leading lady's hand in marriage, and then she says yes, and then they kiss while the crowd erupts in thunderous applause. That's not real life, though. That's just a movie.

    But enough of that. Why not randomly ask your boyfriend about his plans for the near future? Ask him if he has plans of having a family, if he sees himself marrying you someday and raising kids with you. How about randomly asking him how many kids he would want in the future, or what kind of house you would move into if you ever get married, or what neighborhood you would consider moving into? In other words, get him talking about his future plans regarding your relationship. Once that conversation is going, slowly ease your own plans in. State your own plans, what goals you wish to achieve before settling down, the approximate age you would want to get married, all that stuff. You can even plainly say, "I don't want to get married now. But I do love you, and I see myself marrying you someday."

    That is, if you do see yourself marrying him someday. If you honestly aren't sure yet if he's the one for you, then no need to tell him that. Just make it clear that marriage is not on top of your to-do list right now, and he should be able to get the hint, without you divulging what you overheard on the phone.

    Now, if he still proposes to you at the party, what should you do? If you should say no, then say no. A few minutes of awkward silence in front of your guests is alright compared to getting yourself stuck in a situation you were unprepared for. So what if it kind of kills the moment? They're not the ones who got proposed to, you are. And you have all the right to say yes or no. It wasn't a demand; it was a question. So if he still pops the question, give him the real answer in your heart.

    I really do wish things turn out well for you. I have to commend you for not rushing into things. A lot of people these days are so in a hurry to get married and settle down, only to find out later on that it's not all it's hyped up to be. Marriage requires a lot of work and commitment, and you need to be prepared emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, psychologically, and mentally before tying the knot.

    Settling is different from settling down. Hopefully, you end up doing the second one.

    All the best,

    The Life Guru

    Got your own life situation? E-mail me at jay_yaj_12@hotmail.com

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