Tuesday, 13 February 2007

  • Hi, Life Guru,

    I'm 31 years old, and father of a 13-year-old boy. I was only 18 and in college when I became a dad. Currently I'm single, and my son lives with his mom, my college girlfriend.

    I'm emailing you to ask for your insight on my problem. See, my son is already going out with girls, some his age, some a little older. They're not serious dates, at least not that I know of. He's in the soccer team at school, and he's one of the popular kids. When I ask him how he's doing, he usually would tell me where he went the other day, with which girl, and how they had a lot of fun going out on a school night. I've talked to his mom about this. She just says boys will be boys, and that she won't deprive him of enjoying his youth.

    I'm concerned, however, because I don't want him to make the same mistakes I made when I was younger. I don't regret having him, but if I had been more responsible then I could have been a more prepared father to him, and maybe we could have had a more traditional family situation. I sometimes tell him to be careful, to keep his mind on school first, but I can't seem to get through to him.

    How do you think I should talk to him? Thanks ahead for your help.

    Single Dad

     

    Hi, Single Dad,

    Kids today are so exposed to mature situations on media, particularly teens who are already dating, trying things, breaking rules, entering into relationships, and the like. As one of his parents, you do have a responsibility to make him aware of the possible consequences of his actions today, no matter how big or small.

    I believe the first thing you should do is have a serious talk with his mother, since your son lives with her. Tell her of your concerns about your son. Lay some ground rules together, and make an agreement that neither of you will break those rules when the other one is not around. It has to be a team effort, to avoid confusion on his part. Set the parameters, and then inform him. I won't tell you what rules to set for him. That is up to your discretion as his parents. Make sure they are reasonable rules, and that they serve their purpose.

    Then talk to him about the rules. Trust me on this, teenagers look for rules. They may not always seem like they like them, but rules are constant, and it's one of the things they gravitate to at a very turbulent period in their lives. They need boundaries, because adolescence is a time of confusion about a lot of things, and they need some guidance to help them figure out who they're becoming. If they can't find those limits at home, or with their parents or guardians, they will look for those rules elsewhere. Why do you think teen gangs are prevalent? They look for belonging somewhere else, and they look for maturity and guidance from peers who seem like they know it all and can set the guidelines for them.

    On the other hand, try to avoid being legalistic or too strict with him. Going out with girls is not necessarily a bad thing. Suggest group get-togethers, since it's safer for a boy his age anyway. Talk to him about sex. It's not too early to talk to him about it (if he's 13, it's probably too late anyway). Advise him of the consequences of sex. Point out that his main priority in life right now should be finishing school, if he wants to get ahead in life later on. Give some personal examples if it helps (leave out any sordid details!).

    You might want to find some alternative things to do with him as well. If he likes sports, maybe there are sports clubs he can join around the neighborhood. You might want to try a local church in your area. Most churches have programs for teens, and they usually deal with a lot of issues facing today's youth. Or you can try some volunteer activities you can both be involved in. That way, you can spend more time with him, and he will find out that hanging out with girls is not the only after-school activity there is.

    Most important of all, be a friend to him. If he knows that you genuinely care about him, he will open up to you. Assure him that he can talk to you about anything he may have on his mind, and that you will always be understanding to him. Focus on his positive accomplishments, and work on improving his areas of weakness.

    Being a dad is not easy, especially when you think of the kind of influences they are exposed to. But hey, I'm sure you can handle it. Just you asking for help regarding this is proof that you are concerned for him, and that you want what's best for him. Someday, he'll thank you for it.

    Good luck,

    The Life Guru

    Got your own life situation? E-mail me at jay_yaj_12@hotmail.com

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