Sunday, 25 March 2007
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BROTHER AND SISTER
Dear Life Guru,
I am writing to you about my younger sister. She is 14 years old (I'm 19), and until recently she was a very good kid. She did well in school, was involved in extracurricular activities, and also a promising singer. We've always been very close to each other, and even now that I'm in college, we still try to spend some time with each other when we're free.
Recently, she started being friends with a group of girls in her school, and I started seeing changes in her behavior. She has started to dress more provocatively, and instead of her usual after-school activites, she now prefers going to the mall with her friends, even going on group dates with boys from her school. I think she even has a boyfriend, even though she has denied it to me and our parents. She's even tried painting her nails red and sometimes black. In short, she's becoming a Britney Spears lookalike, and it just bothers me. Maybe it's the protective older brother in me that's causing all this concern. Her grades in school have also been affected, and that's what worries me most.
I'd like to ask for help on how I can talk to her. I don't want her to waste her life away on bad decisions. I also think she's just too young to start acting like an adult. But at the same time, I don't want to seem like I'm preventing her from enjoying her youth. How should I approach her regarding this?
Robin
Hey, Robin,
As her brother, it is perfectly okay (and commendable, I may add) for you to be concerned about your little sister. It shows a genuine love on your part for your sibling. You are older than her by a few years, so you have a little more knowledge and experience about going through young adulthood.
Almost all teens go through this period in their lives when they want to experiment, and want to belong to the 'in' crowd. Her new friends are clearly influencing her decisions right now. It's called peer pressure, and that type of pressure can sometimes overpower a young person's own ability to tell from right and wrong. Belongingness is a very strong urge, and it is especially evident during the teenage years when kids are trying to fit in. So before you jump into any drastic conclusions about her change of ways, try to understand that she's also going through a lot of transitions and pressures herself.
How's her relationship with your parents? If she's open to them, and vice versa, it may be a good idea for you to talk to them first about what you think. They would have more authority and a little more "say" on her affairs. Be honest with them about your concerns, but also try not to be a tattletale and reveal anything she has talked to you about in confidence. Also, avoid acting as a "spy" for your parents--you know, checking up on your sister's activites and then reporting to them. That's uncalled for, at least at the moment (unless it involves illegal or harmful activites already).
On the other hand, part of most teens' transition phase is an aversion to authority. Here's where you can step in. Most likely, she doesn't think of you as an authority figure yourself. You can use this advantage to talk to her, brother-to-sister, about choosing the right friends and being careful about decisions. What you can remind her of is the fact that she's only 14, and while she's certainly not a little sheltered kid anymore, she's still not an adult either. Her prioritiy for now should be her education. Fun stuff like hanging out with friends is not bad, but if that becomes her priority and her grades suffer, then it becomes harmful to her. As a guy yourself, you can also warn her about boys who might be out to hurt her, or the dangers of dressing too sexy and attracting perverts who might take advantage of her. If anyone has the right to warn her about jerks who masquerade as sweet boys-next-door, it's going to be you, because you're a guy yourself.
The most important thing would be to maintain an open line of communication with her. Don't break her trust, but make sure you call her out on things you know are wrong also. Don't get nitpicky and dwell on the little unnecessary details, but warn her about the major ones. If she gets mad at you for being a caring older brother, that's fine. In time, she'll realize that you're only looking out for her best interests, and she'll appreciate you for it.
All the best,
The Life Guru
Got your own life situation? E-mail me at jay_yaj_12@hotmail.com.
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