BROTHER AND SISTER

Dear Life Guru,

I am writing to you about my younger sister. She is 14 years old (I'm 19), and until recently she was a very good kid. She did well in school, was involved in extracurricular activities, and also a promising singer. We've always been very close to each other, and even now that I'm in college, we still try to spend some time with each other when we're free.

Recently, she started being friends with a group of girls in her school, and I started seeing changes in her behavior. She has started to dress more provocatively, and instead of her usual after-school activites, she now prefers going to the mall with her friends, even going on group dates with boys from her school. I think she even has a boyfriend, even though she has denied it to me and our parents. She's even tried painting her nails red and sometimes black. In short, she's becoming a Britney Spears lookalike, and it just bothers me. Maybe it's the protective older brother in me that's causing all this concern. Her grades in school have also been affected, and that's what worries me most.

I'd like to ask for help on how I can talk to her. I don't want her to waste her life away on bad decisions. I also think she's just too young to start acting like an adult. But at the same time, I don't want to seem like I'm preventing her from enjoying her youth. How should I approach her regarding this?

Robin

Hey, Robin,

As her brother, it is perfectly okay (and commendable, I may add) for you to be concerned about your little sister. It shows a genuine love on your part for your sibling. You are older than her by a few years, so you have a little more knowledge and experience about going through young adulthood.

Almost all teens go through this period in their lives when they want to experiment, and want to belong to the 'in' crowd. Her new friends are clearly influencing her decisions right now. It's called peer pressure, and that type of pressure can sometimes overpower a young person's own ability to tell from right and wrong. Belongingness is a very strong urge, and it is especially evident during the teenage years when kids are trying to fit in. So before you jump into any drastic conclusions about her change of ways, try to understand that she's also going through a lot of transitions and pressures herself.

How's her relationship with your parents? If she's open to them, and vice versa, it may be a good idea for you to talk to them first about what you think. They would have more authority and a little more "say" on her affairs. Be honest with them about your concerns, but also try not to be a tattletale and reveal anything she has talked to you about in confidence. Also, avoid acting as a "spy" for your parents--you know, checking up on your sister's activites and then reporting to them. That's uncalled for, at least at the moment (unless it involves illegal or harmful activites already).

On the other hand, part of most teens' transition phase is an aversion to authority. Here's where you can step in. Most likely, she doesn't think of you as an authority figure yourself. You can use this advantage to talk to her, brother-to-sister, about choosing the right friends and being careful about decisions. What you can remind her of is the fact that she's only 14, and while she's certainly not a little sheltered kid anymore, she's still not an adult either. Her prioritiy for now should be her education. Fun stuff like hanging out with friends is not bad, but if that becomes her priority and her grades suffer, then it becomes harmful to her. As a guy yourself, you can also warn her about boys who might be out to hurt her, or the dangers of dressing too sexy and attracting perverts who might take advantage of her. If anyone has the right to warn her about jerks who masquerade as sweet boys-next-door, it's going to be you, because you're a guy yourself.

The most important thing would be to maintain an open line of communication with her. Don't break her trust, but make sure you call her out on things you know are wrong also. Don't get nitpicky and dwell on the little unnecessary details, but warn her about the major ones. If she gets mad at you for being a caring older brother, that's fine. In time, she'll realize that you're only looking out for her best interests, and she'll appreciate you for it.

All the best,

The Life Guru

Got your own life situation? E-mail me at jay_yaj_12@hotmail.com.

Hi, Life Guru,

I'm 31 years old, and father of a 13-year-old boy. I was only 18 and in college when I became a dad. Currently I'm single, and my son lives with his mom, my college girlfriend.

I'm emailing you to ask for your insight on my problem. See, my son is already going out with girls, some his age, some a little older. They're not serious dates, at least not that I know of. He's in the soccer team at school, and he's one of the popular kids. When I ask him how he's doing, he usually would tell me where he went the other day, with which girl, and how they had a lot of fun going out on a school night. I've talked to his mom about this. She just says boys will be boys, and that she won't deprive him of enjoying his youth.

I'm concerned, however, because I don't want him to make the same mistakes I made when I was younger. I don't regret having him, but if I had been more responsible then I could have been a more prepared father to him, and maybe we could have had a more traditional family situation. I sometimes tell him to be careful, to keep his mind on school first, but I can't seem to get through to him.

How do you think I should talk to him? Thanks ahead for your help.

Single Dad

Hi, Single Dad,

Kids today are so exposed to mature situations on media, particularly teens who are already dating, trying things, breaking rules, entering into relationships, and the like. As one of his parents, you do have a responsibility to make him aware of the possible consequences of his actions today, no matter how big or small.

I believe the first thing you should do is have a serious talk with his mother, since your son lives with her. Tell her of your concerns about your son. Lay some ground rules together, and make an agreement that neither of you will break those rules when the other one is not around. It has to be a team effort, to avoid confusion on his part. Set the parameters, and then inform him. I won't tell you what rules to set for him. That is up to your discretion as his parents. Make sure they are reasonable rules, and that they serve their purpose.

Then talk to him about the rules. Trust me on this, teenagers look for rules. They may not always seem like they like them, but rules are constant, and it's one of the things they gravitate to at a very turbulent period in their lives. They need boundaries, because adolescence is a time of confusion about a lot of things, and they need some guidance to help them figure out who they're becoming. If they can't find those limits at home, or with their parents or guardians, they will look for those rules elsewhere. Why do you think teen gangs are prevalent? They look for belonging somewhere else, and they look for maturity and guidance from peers who seem like they know it all and can set the guidelines for them.

On the other hand, try to avoid being legalistic or too strict with him. Going out with girls is not necessarily a bad thing. Suggest group get-togethers, since it's safer for a boy his age anyway. Talk to him about sex. It's not too early to talk to him about it (if he's 13, it's probably too late anyway). Advise him of the consequences of sex. Point out that his main priority in life right now should be finishing school, if he wants to get ahead in life later on. Give some personal examples if it helps (leave out any sordid details!).

You might want to find some alternative things to do with him as well. If he likes sports, maybe there are sports clubs he can join around the neighborhood. You might want to try a local church in your area. Most churches have programs for teens, and they usually deal with a lot of issues facing today's youth. Or you can try some volunteer activities you can both be involved in. That way, you can spend more time with him, and he will find out that hanging out with girls is not the only after-school activity there is.

Most important of all, be a friend to him. If he knows that you genuinely care about him, he will open up to you. Assure him that he can talk to you about anything he may have on his mind, and that you will always be understanding to him. Focus on his positive accomplishments, and work on improving his areas of weakness.

Being a dad is not easy, especially when you think of the kind of influences they are exposed to. But hey, I'm sure you can handle it. Just you asking for help regarding this is proof that you are concerned for him, and that you want what's best for him. Someday, he'll thank you for it.

Good luck,

The Life Guru

Got your own life situation? E-mail me at jay_yaj_12@hotmail.com